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Black Love is Necessary

When two Black people love each other in a purpose filled way, it is literally breaking a generational curse. At one point in this country, it was illegal for Black women and men to marry each other, and it broke something in us at the time. The thing is, all ethnicities prefer their own, the only people who are told it is racist to love their own is Black people. I remember having a white Colombian roommate telling me she doesn’t like Black guys, I agreed, I didn’t like her men either, we were cool as heck, how can I be mad that she loves her own men? I even remember my Asian undergrad students when I was a writing lab instructor, they told me they only dated Asian men, I was like, “that’s what’s up!” Everyone wants to create a family in their image, it’s normal.

Black love is special, though. We are changing the trajectory of our bloodlines and legacies by creating Black families. Black families, means Black children; and that’s the point – legacy is not just money or a business, it’s the life you leave and the legacy you leave in other human beings to carry on. That is why I focus on purpose in relationships. When you move with purpose, and your partner does too, you care about more things than just who is “alpha” and “pick me”, you care about legacy and how that legacy is going to shine in your children and generations. Hello! We are building a nation, a nation of strong survivors, it’s time to leave the little things behind and really start thinking about what the new Black legacy is going to look like. We have the opportunity to be that legacy and change the trajectory of everything happening right now. Choose a Black love that’ll last and outlast any negativity going on. Thank you!

Well, we came up in a time where we didn’t see the best for Black people. Diaspora wars and division made it difficult, but we lasted, now people are waking up. Imagine creating a family that can live out what we missed, a little brown face that can enjoy her Diaspora sisters and brothers in harmony. They walk up to each other and greet each other in love – we can only create that with Black love. I don’t know about you but, I want a daughter just like me. Brown like me, loud like me, warrior like me, and pretty like me. She’ll be uplifting her toddler sistren and brethren while I uplift their parents. Can you imagine? I can only creat that with Black Love.

Black love is the only way for where we’re going. Black love is a necessary love.

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First Podcast Episode is Now Live!!!

Hey y’all! Check out our first episode of the Black Cabinet Podcast featuring myself, Ndidi Love, and Larry With the Robe On. We started off with a topic that’s important to us, family!, and the impact social media has had on family. We keep it real and respectful, so we ask that you have respectful dialogue with us! Give us feedback and let us know what you think, and subscribe!

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PanAfrican Relationship Goals

Hello Everybody! This topic comes up a lot, about how to restore unity and love between romantic relationships leading to marraige in the black community. I must be clear, I am talking to those who believe in female and male relationships. I specify that because I think it is important to establish some boundaries around what it means, and meant, to actually build a family. As Pan-Africans, we believe in the way of life that Africans laid a foundation upon before slavery. Society evolves, but there are things that will always remain the same; women are the life givers, and men hold the seed to implant the woman, that will never change. Therefore, within that context, we need to also discuss how we can begin to rebuild meaningfully, outside of the framework of white inferiority masked as supremacy and the standards they have placed upon us through slavery. Our love could literally tear down systems, here’s how…

Everyone is an individual, and we all have ways of life that we grew up with that came with successes and traumas. Depending on the traumas, one may need to be loved differently from the other. We are a unique people indeed, even without slavery, dear Black people. If we weren’t the most unique people in the world, you best believe we wouldn’t have this 401 year story of slavery and oppression, trying to make us hate ourselves from our hair to our feet, did I mention we’re the only people who’s hair grows upwards towards the sun? Anyway, we do not hold ourselves to the same standards of “love”, because we simply need to be loved differently. Excellence + trauma = a special kind of love. We also have the responsibility to pass that ability to love on to our children. Black love is 2 Black people, this special kind of love cannot be accomplished interracially with white people because the interracial relations haven’t healed, and 2 people of different races in “love” won’t fix it. We need whole healthy Black people to Love each other in the way we need to be loved. Even if they are not whole, the love needs to help make us whole. Once we are whole as a people, then we can talk about healing between another race, but we haven’t even healed ourselves, which is fine, we are getting there.

Here’s something to think about. Imagine someone who is overcoming an injury trying to train another injured person, not only will they not be able to, but they’ll further damage themselvs in the process, because they are stressing on unhealed wounds. It’s the same with black people, everytime we try to heal with other races or be inclusive in struggles, it backfires. Anytime a person tries to marry interracially with white people, it backfires on the children; I have heard multiple stories of white people with half black childen that were still racist overall to other black people or were jealous of their own children. Fantasies won’t do, we need real healing love between black people and black couples. I am not telling people who to love, but if we’re going to build up strong black communities and even repatriate to Africa, we need to focus on Black love.

So there are many people who subscribe to all these identities. In reality, I’m African and African centered, I don’t need a label. I’m really Pan-African but I’ll never say that outside of my own platform because people are very obsessed with labels who don’t actually do any work, I do the work. Anyway, there has been a conversation about feminism and “pick me”, alpha male and “simp”. I couldn’t tell you the actual definitions because it all seems very immature to me but a lot of Pan-Africans have had debates about how these labels either build up or tear down Black families moving forward. Again, we are a unique people, with all our history, we have to look at building through generational eyes. We have to communicate how we want to build, how we want to be loved, and recognize that a relationship is not only built on love. People are to busy following a false sense of attraction that is based on what eyes can see, not realizing that attraction can be built over time through communication and experiences (ex. When you all experience a situation that shows your character, that can be attractive and make you see the person in a different light that you may not have seen just looking at them 1 or 2 times). How can this person enhance you, enhance your kids? People think dating culture is it, but if you are serious about building, seeing each person as a potential spouse is necessary. We can’t tear down this system and take Africa back if we’re looking at everything superficially.

So again, deal with the person in front of you, don’t try to fit them into labels based on this superficial society. Ok the man is not an alpha male, but he’s attentive, caring, responsible, and has a plan for his future, you come along with the same qualities and boom, it’s a hit! We need to focus on loving the person through what can be excellence hindered by traumas in society, and helping the person become their best selves, and vice versa. Isn’t that a story you’d much rather tell your children, rather than “we came together and were perfect everyday of the week, he was a simp I was a pick me”, lol. “We came together and communicated, learned how to love each other and built everything we have together”, sounds better, you get the point.

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#SoulfulSundays – Africanity and balance between women & men…

“Strong Black woman” did not come from feminism, it’s been here since the beginning of time. Our strength is what has sustained us, and coupled with mans strength we build nations. We can be soft and healing to each other at home, and a united strong force to the world. A multifaceted woman will be all things, and her man will be the lucky person to see all sides of her – feminine and gentle at home, while receiving that masculine gentleness at home as well.

Men have been taught not to be emotional but I believe men should be able to carry and cover their woman’s emotions as well, as women have covered & carried men’s; a woman cannot bear the burden of emotions alone. Neither women or men have all the answers in their relationship, and each will need their time to be vulnerable and weak. Patriarchy is so wild that it made people believe that the gender who is responsible for life entering the world needs to be lead somewhere, where are we being lead to? Our minds and bodies have the capacity to give life, we are capable of leading in decisions as a team, just as we were leading our lives as single women (shout out to the women visionaries living unapologetically, your visions are valid and will change the world).

People have attached the word strength to a man, that is why strength is seen as masculine. There is women’s strength, and men’s strength, but together it builds nations. Clearly, men and women are physically different and have different bodily functions and energies. What happened is capitalism changed the dynamics of relationships and monetized the actions of men and women in relationships. I believe that, even men at home don’t have to be strong 24/7. Love itself is a safe place, healing place, building place, and home can be a place to be free and rest to build back up to be strong for the world.

Women and men should be there for each other according to their needs. It’s not just that men provide, African women have always worked. It is clear in how women currently run the marketplace in Africa, as well as how I witnessed the precolonial tribe of Himba women contribute to physical labor as well. Not being strong all the time does not make a man weak, I shouldn’t need a man to be strong 24/7, what are we even fighting at home? We are taking care of each other watching movies eating popcorn and strategizing/building. What you’re good at, contribute to it! We help each other. The only reason I feel some men stress they need peace and need a woman to be quiet is because he is not doing right. Women always know, just be honest & there’ll be peace. Miscommunications may happen but that’s human nature and doesn’t have to be toxic.

I’ve seen men lie and cheat, and be mad that their wife is reacting. I feel some men just want to do what they want without being questioned, and that’s not how life works. I’ve never seen a good man stress his need for peace, because he IS peace. Dear men, break from the shackles of patriarchy. Men are used to tripping on women’s emotions, but a woman who knows herself won’t let you play your silly game. Is that what you’re running from? Just tell the truth & treat a woman as a human, it may work. Yes, I have a word for women too – men aren’t machines to be overworked and looked to for all the answers.

The only imbalance between African women and men is that men haven’t learned to balance and enhance the strength of African women, and instead have tried to shame us for it. Us women have tried to shame vulnerable men and force strength, 24/7. We can be all things, and balance each other. We were all given something to contribute to the world, it’s not burdensome if we find the right people to build with. In reality, our purpose doesn’t stop, it just grows when we marry. In singleness, we all have a purpose too, so anyone in our life, friend or spouse, should add to us – our well being, mental health, and purpose, everything with intention.

I believe there is 1 true person to help us live out our vision and purpose, and others who can get close. But the 1? The visions would match and enhance each other’s, I believe. It doesn’t mean you need a spouse for your purpose, it’s just that a spouse is to enhance and not drain. Others who are close but not the 1, would just require extra effort on our part. Ultimately, the purpose is enhanced & continued with the children, I believe, and even if a wrong spouse is chosen, all hope is not lost, it just takes a lot of self correcting and intentional spiritually to get the bloodline back on track, like I did, and now I am ready to match my purpose with the right 1. I also, through my work, wish to help people find their true purpose, as I believe it is key in finding a true spouse. That is why my class Decolonize Your Mind™, helps people do just that. Everything I do is attached. Check it out!