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Pick Me Pick Me Simp Me Simp Me!

Hello all, I want to bring this topic back, by the way, did you watch our first podcast episode about social media’s impact on family? Check it out here!

About this pick me vs feminist debate, let me define it for you. A “pick me” is a woman that apparently agrees with everything that a man says they should be and in turn get “picked” to be in a relationship. Examples include – 1. Doing everything your man says, shutting up and being his peace, have everything done for him by the time he gets home, letting him lead, etc. Apparently if you’re not a “pick me”, you’re a feminist. A feminist is someone who fights for women’s rights, wants equality with men, and doesn’t believe in traditional roles. A “simp” is a man who does everything for his woman, spends all his money, listens to her, etc. Apparently if you’re not a “simp”, you are an alpha male. An alpha male is someone who is dominant, “aggressive”, takes charge, exerts authority over his woman, etc. that’s my understanding and I believe most people who read this will be able to pick up on the ideas here. Here’s my thing…

There’s an assumption that if you’re not one, you’re the other. There’s an assumption that a woman who disagrees with being quiet for her man and only speaking when he asks her to is a feminist. From all my analysis, this is what I’ve noticed. I often talk about living in extremes, and this, my friends, is an example of living in extremes and not having balance. What if you’re just a boss Empress doing her thing and making a lasting impact in the world with her man? Is there room for women and men who balance each other out and work together? Still understanding their separate genders, but not allowing it to cause friction?

I always say, I was given a clear purpose on this earth. Anyone I get with and marry is going to be a partner in helping me reach that goal, and vice versa. That is what I like about my current relationship. I believe we are to be to each other what we need, and not focus so much on what the outside world says. The same way I am an individual, my relationship is going to be it’s own separate entity apart from everyone else’s. We each have our own successes, traumas, bloodlines, fears, backgrounds, that make us unique. Whether or not I displayed feminist or pick me qualities, can I be what my man needs for his personal traumas? That is more important to me. How do we mesh, and is how we mesh going to be present in our children? How about our bloodlines, will us coming together make the next generation better? Are we sending whole or broken children into the world? Hey listen, we have to start thinking deeper if we are going to make progress as a community in relationships. Everyone can say what they’ll be, but when those real life situations come up, everyone will do what’s best for them.

Obviously I’m a woman, I have breasts and a reproductive system that is active. All parts of my body work together and not apart, to solidify the gender that I am. To me, that’s enough for me to be feminine. Obviously there are traits that have been visible for thousands of years that separate men from women outside of biology alone, but the way people are defining femininity and masculinity these days is very face value. If he has a tight shirt on with muscles and making money then he’s a real man. If she has heels on and is very quiet and follows a man wherever he goes that’s feminine. That, to me, is ridiculous. In ten years, I will not be the same person, I’ll have the same character, but I’ll have children, a generational business, and a different outlook depending on the events of the world. We have to get with people we really see ourselves with because people will change and grow, from size, to career, to anything. We should want to contribute to that growth and not put it in a box.

Why am I saying all this? Because as we communicate our needs let’s be real about what we need. If a man asks you what you need and you say healing, then that’s what you need. Your definition of what you need doesn’t have to be based on society, ex. “I need a strong man who makes this amount of money”. If he does, fine, nothing wrong with that, but you are sure that you need healing and you want the relationship to help facilitate that, can he be a safe space for you?

Just look at all parts of a person is what I’m saying.

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Character or Riches?, Character and Wealth, Yea That’s It… #TeachMeTuesdays

I have no problem with rich people. Whether you’re rich or poor, your character is what it is.

If that rich person has the heart to help and raise people out of poverty, not just to make minimum wage but live a good life, I have no problem with that rich person. Character trumps all, a lot of people want to put rich Black people in a bubble, if you want to hold them accountable, hold them accountable, but I don’t believe on turning your back on someone just because they became rich.

The problem is, Black people have been bamboozled for hundreds of years. People come and take our resources, lying and doing what else they need to do to deceive us into giving up what’s ours, and we’re left with nothing, or fighting for what’s left – even on our own continent. Greed and capitalism are ways of life that are foreign to us, but the system has told and deceived everyone into believing that it’s the superior way of life. Those of us who have adopted the style have abused it because a lot of times it is used to throw in other Black peoples faces that “look at me, if you want to be where I am then work”, however, that still is an issue of character. If someone works hard and earns their wealth an understands that they owe their community that same opportunity, then I’d say that’s what we need to be encouraging, not capitalism and competition. I watched my dad do it, he gained his wealth and gave, that is why I do not judge people or look for reasons to manipulate, because in my heart any wealth I gain will benefit my people and especially my children and great grandchildren will instill that into their generation.

Let us focus on character building. As a community, we have been bamboozled into thinking this fight is all about resources, but if we gain back the resources and no character, we will be fighting each other back into losing our resources. Divide and conquer is deep y’all: support black business, build character, pour the money back into our communities, and keep building and taking back what’s ours so we can rid ourselves of this disease called white inferiority – masked as “supremacy”.

Be well!

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Our Gifts Will Join Us #SoulfulSundays

photo of woman singing in music studio

Hello All! Today was such a great day. i presented on unity for the Ciclo de Conferencias de Estudios Africanos y Diaspora Africana, and they loved it! It went so well and I was able to use some history from Africandad communities on how to use these movements to unite. I don’t often get nervous, but, the presentation had to be translated to Spanish as I was speaking, and I had to slow down, and sometimes reword my presentation; that is why I am glad they loved it. Speaking of unity…

As Black people, our gifts and talents can join us together too. We are a multifaceted people, that’s why I show every part of me in terms of talents. We can unite through the good, targeting a common enemy, and the unique struggles of Black people. This humanizes our movements.

We are so used to narratives of fighting for something, or being on the end of oppression in many forms, that we forget to use our talents as a fun way to join us in our movements. We may be a singing artist, but look at singing as only something to get recognition for, so we ignore it, and pursue other things. We have to recognize this as a form of conditioning, that we do what we need to do, ad not often what we want to do. Why this is specific to Black people in regards to the context today, is because, it stresses us out at higher levels, the numbers are there. Even successful Black people have been taught to do what is financially better, which is good, but we need to create a narrative of enjoying and uniting through our gifts, such as singing, art, and other things.

Naturally, with our bodies, we regulate our natural body functions when we enjoy. I believe it is the same when we are looking to unite. It creates a space where we are seen in a relatable light without having to tell all of our business. I posted this rap I did the other day, and a couple of people expressed to me how much they enjoyed it, and we are all activists on my particular social media page, so it was good to see people enjoy something besides me uniting Black people with my words. I can also unite with my gift of lyrical words, people playfully asked me when I was coming out with an album, and it was all fun. I really want to show people that even activists, and serious people, deserve to have fun and live life, and share gifts. We break new walls when we relate with each other in that way, not just listening to or watching celebrity’s art.

We humanize ourselves when we use our gifts and talents for enjoyment, then we can remember our good, and unite while re-strengthening for the fight. So, use your gift, and fight your fight, you are deserving of both! See you in unity!

~Ndidi Love~

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#SoulfulSunday: Celebrate Every Win

Melanated gem, who told you that victory is only for a completed project? Of course we don’t settle for mediocrity, but what if you hate writing e-mails but needed to write 50 for your 1st event? That calls for celebration whenever you’re finished! Burnout is real, sometimes we’re so focused on the big end result that by the time we get to the end, we don’t have any energy to celebrate. Celebrating yourself releases good hormones, it allows your body and mind to take small little breaks and rejuvenate between tasks.

We’ve all heard the common phrase, “Black people have to work twice as hard”, and you know what? I made it up in my mind a long time ago that I’m going to do my portion and do it well, but I’m not going to burn out to “compete” with some imaginary standard. I am my standard, I have been given tasks, and in this life, they will be completed; I’ll celebrate to that. With all these health conditions and mental health problems, why should I worry my brain to compete with an oppressive system that built their wealth on theft? I need to fill my brain with happy hormones and celebrate myself as much as possible.

The next piece of this is, realizing it’s ok to celebrate other Black people too. That increases your happy hormones too by celebrating one another instead of judging and tearing each other down. In this system where competition is fueled by lack of resources, people find it hard to celebrate with other successful Black people, or only want to celebrate with them when they’re big, not still small. It’s kind of like those people who doubt you, but then when you make it big, they clung on. I celebrate black businesses no matter what stage they’re in. Why? Because my lane is big enough for me, I celebrate myself, therefore I have room to celebrate someone else. It’s comes naturally.

It’s a new day around here, melanated gem. We are being called to a greatness that requires us to be healthy and take care of ourselves, and each other. No more “slaving” and running ourselves into the ground, we must run our race and reject severe competition. No more tearing each other down, we must celebrate each other and lift each other. What is next for us, melanated gems, is a completed race that we’ll finish together. We must celebrate each others contributions along the way, big or small, and tear down the competition for this little piece of pie. Soon, we won’t be competing within a system, but instead, building our own. Celebrate now, it’s only a matter of time before we win.

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